“Learn to hang naked upon the cross of Christ, counting all thou hast done but dung and dross. Apply to him just in the spirit of the dying thief, of the harlot with her seven devils! else thou art still on the sand; and, after saving others, thou wilt lose thy own soul.” – John Wesley,Upon Our Lord’s Sermon on the Mount, Sermon 33,  III.4.

In my own youth ministry, we are VERY slowly going through the Sermon on the Mount in the book of Matthew.  Like, so slowly we haven’t even started it yet, just setting up the context of what it means to follow Jesus.  The Sermon on the Mount begins with beatitudes that mark where to find Jesus (in the poor, in the mourning, in the persecuted for righteousness’ sake).  It  ends with a parable of wise and foolish builders, both of whom think they are following God properly, but one of which has a sandy foundation that washes away in the storm.  In between, the Sermon on the Mount challenges those who would follow Jesus to an entirely new way to look at both the world and God’s place in it.

Sometimes, the scripture hits me in all my identities at once, and I flounder for a bit to find just where I add up as a wise or foolish builder.  After all, none of us are just ONE thing.  I could slap all the labels together which I use to make sense of my place in the world, and depending on the day or even the hour I may put my labels in vastly different orders.  Middle-aged gay American Southern white Dad Christian pastor , with excellent taste in music, and growing coping skills with depression and anxiety.  I don’t always know how to hold all of me together in one place, but I do know the places I feel most me…  I also am learning to trust my instincts when a place or person is not safe for me to be me…where I feel it necessary to contain or conceal the parts that will not be held kindly by another.  This is a reality for most every human, but some humans have far fewer spaces where they can find that rest and safety.

I know that there are parts of me, parts of my identity and experience, that are so foreign to another that they might need a lot of proof that I can be trusted before they feel safe to be vulnerable.  For example, many pastors find this to be true, as we represent an institution that has done tremendous spiritual and physical harm to so many.  And it is not just a smile and the fact that I “have black friends” that someone will or should just blindly assume I am a safe white guy to open up to. My queer experience is also multi-faceted, and my straight allies might do well to forgo assumptions that being confident in my God-belovedness as a gay person means I always feel like I belong to either the LGBTQ community or a faith community.  Yet God holds all of these identities within me, and God holds me when I feel like there’s few places on earth that hold me well.  God even continues to hold me when one piece of me is too blind to welcome the vulnerable parts of another.  I sometimes wonder if just the very process of inviting such thoughts is part of my journey with the cross, of trusting in Christ more than my deeds and works.

This week’s comic is not yet complete.  It is page one of a larger poem, in which I hope to process all the things I’m describing here.  Using the analogy of the wise and foolish builders, and just because I really want more opportunities to draw water, sand and rock, I invite you to join me in a few reflective questions.  At first, I considered telling this story with different and perhaps more heavy-handed imagery, but have decided to stick with what I know: two brothers, two children, who love one another but don’t always love well.  Because I think that describes me, and largely the Wesley Bros audience.  We know we love our neighbor, at least, we want to love our neighbor.  And we’re usually honest enough to accept that we don’t always love our neighbor well…Why else would we pray in communion for God to “free us for joyful obedience”?

While today’s comic is intended to be more like a whimsical Calvin & Hobbes style poem, I am also hoping you will consider using it as a guide for prayer and meditation.  How do the questions and images combine to challenge you in each of your identities? Come back next week as we explore what to do with that information.